Every human heart will feel the sting of death. Those who die and those who are left behind will all be forced to grapple with this clear experience. The most kind among us will crusade for ways to mitigate the misery that death brings.
My friend Debra died from breast cancer in her early thirties. Tests for breast cancer were not part of her curative routine because of her young age, and by the time it was detected, her fate was sealed. I was a horrified spectator to her physical decline, her emotional roller coaster ride, and her spiritual making ready for the great difficulty of passing out of this life. I watched her siblings struggle to cope with the unthinkable diagnosis, and saw her parents agonize throughout a process that culminated with having to bury their child.
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I have heard it said that it is more difficult to watch man we love suffer than it is to endure the same suffering ourselves. If this is true, it is difficult to know if Debra suffered more because of her illness, or if her family suffered more by helplessly observing it. I know for a fact that the difficulty her family had coping with her circumstances was itself a source of suffering for Debra above and beyond her physical illness.
I spent many hours with Debra in the last week of her life. I witnessed a parade of visitors arriving at her sickbed in those last days. Throughout the whole ordeal, there seemed to be a common, but seldom spoken question that weighed heavily on the minds of every person who visited. What do I say to a dying person? What do I say to the devastated loved ones that she leaves behind? They all came to say goodbye, but in different ways. For many visitors it was plainly a lingering hug, or silent tears with a knowing gaze.
I watched a stack of greeting cards arrive at her bed, and often wondered what population wrote in them. I watched Debra read many of them silently, and quietly tuck them away in a drawer. Some of the cards made her smile, some made her laugh, and some brought tears.
The visitors who did not come and the cards that never arrived seemed to bother Debra a lot toward the end of her life. There were some population that she wanted to see one last time, but who never came to say goodbye. She began to wonder if they categorically cared. I recommend that possibly they just did not know what to say, or were unable to confront their own mortality. This seemed to relax her a great deal, considering the clear hurt displayed by many of the population who did visit.
After Debra died, someone else friend of mine watched his juvenile son die of cancer. He later see that there are many times in life when we are compelled to trip down roads that we would rather avoid, but it is a great blessing if we have a few population in our lives who are willing to share those dark journeys with us. Even if it seems as if we do not know the right thing to say to those who are grieving, we can offer loyal companionship to man who reluctantly travels the road of death and dying.
Words to relax the Bereaved - Searching For a healing Message